Solitary Solace in Shanghai
T’s Tuesday Talk
2nd June 2015
Be Gentle and Be Here
I am here on a journey of a lifetime - and you have squeaked into my life somehow just now - so unforeseen, unexpected and unanticipated. And with this ‘squeak,’ has come a renewed flame, passion and sensibility - maybe not even renewed but actually new… I am being candid here and with that I feel exposure and vulnerability.
It is not something that I show very often. But, I want you to know that you have encouraged and enthused me and this has led me to write, express, share, tell and laugh and FEEL. No one knows what lies ahead of each of us or what may come as a speed bump, detour or ‘pass GO’ and collect the winnings. I just want to say HI and THANK YOU. I don’t know if you are affecting this planned journey of a lifetime - but…
You ask me things; causing me to live in the moment, to reflect and to consider. I enjoy that.
You also react differently and show your ‘cut and dried/did I miss it’ side which, for some very odd reason, makes me smile… You can go from ‘here is my emotion, I am feeling it and this is what it is,’ to ‘I emptied the shed and will be putting it in my neighbour’s bin at MIDNIGHT,' (would there be any other time??) in less than a blink of an eye…but I can’t. When I put myself out there- it sits, lingers and nudges me until I look at it some more. Who is right? Neither. We are who we are but I think that we are seeing, learning and teaching - that has to be a commonality perhaps? There was a sentence here that followed but I backspaced…too many people tell me that I over think. Perhaps I should listen more?
It is late-ish and I have a date with a tour bus tomorrow. My god. I have never done stuff like this solo before. I stayed to eat breakfast on my own in a foreign country, I walked the streets in the pouring rain and fought off hawkers selling me brollies, I have been writing for myself and I have been dreaming for myself.
This is totally new territory.
I am and have always been independent, fiercely so, but there is something that is different after a long, long relationship. I have given myself time. Time to be. Time to cry, to hurt, to anger and to reflect and time to heal. Time to rediscover me. I am capable; I am strong and I have skills, ideas, visions and aspirations but there is a BUT and I have not quite fathomed it out just yet. The last time I looked inside here, I was probably 18 and I had all the feistiness, zest and naivety that made me feel alive.
You know what it is? I am starting to feel stuff - life and people stuff and that is so incredibly empowering, exciting and nerve wracking. If I was 18, I would just up sticks and change stuff because I could and I would not have the cautionary curtailment that I feel today.
OKAY - totally exposed ramblings. More of a Dear Diary entry - shit, I should so have kept one all these years…..
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| Sometimes I should be this softer side of me. But it is too hard. |
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It is like a long look into my eyes; people may really see and feel me.
Not even my family do that.
I just wouldn't let them.
