No One Knows

there is no use pretending
you are what you are
denial is the slowest form of pain
like a storm cloud
it will eventually soak you with rain
drenched until you feel the sting on skin
the chill that reaches deep within


when the one who should know
sits and silence grows
you know that the pieces will remain
scattered
a puzzle that simply cannot be solved
no one knows


darkness 
you drink it in
until sunlight comes 
creeping in
heavy hand falls 
covering your eyes
pillow plumpness
smothering your sighs
let me fall back down

want to be free
from the pain
that radiates
from within

raw 

ragged

raging

real

bony fingers
curl and clasp
clawing until
at last you gasp
let me go
leave me be

penetrating pain
stealing life
licking marrow 
from your bones
tongue probing
scooping out
the core
til suddenly silently yell
no more


this pain
has no name
but it's here 
to stay
it wants
to play 
but I'm not game


tight coils slowly unfurling
soft seduction
drawing you in
slow breaths 
give life to sleep 

sinking
falling
weightless
unanchored
free
void of feeling


but then you hit
hard ground
sends you reeling
bone on bone
flesh begins to groan
opening wide
tears too spent 
to be cried
ache until you ache no more

you don't have 
to do this on your own
share the load 

late morning breaks
with open eyes
leaves you wondering
if t'was full of lies
caught in a sleeping hell
too distant now
so hard to tell

stupid and weak
wake up to yourself
don't dwell
stop to smell the roses
and
no one will ever tell

no one knows

My Little Girl

You've felt the pain

My Little Girl

Sadly

You have felt it

Again and Again

For a while

I fought the knife

That sliced right through our life

The first cut smooth and shallow

Causing distraction

And deferred pain

But then back and forth

It ran through your flesh

Again and again

I tightened my grip

Friction fighting 

Futility

I stared hard at the glinting edge

That rhythmically ripped 

Into our known

Repetitive

Unstoppable

Still I was holding on

To that blade that cut 

Us to the core

I tried to stop 

The muted mercilessness 

But there was more

MORE

Despite my hold

The pain and suffering began to unfold

And I pulled against it

Never faltering

I held tight

Loving you when here and 

When out of sight

I carried you with me

But the wound began to weep

And as I refused to release my grip

On life's knife

I watched it puncture your heart

So deep, so swift

You didn't wince

The depth of entry was greater 

Than its width

Still I remain latched on

As a starving babe

Sucking for life

I couldn't let go

At the start

Petals of crimson rose

Fell

Scattering softly to the ground

But as the pain increased

Without sound

The screaming red

Streamed

Pooling around our feet

Banging relentlessly 

Inside my head

That screaming red

Staring 

At the crimson tide

That seeped out 

From deep inside

I fought again

I took you 

To my heart

To a place from where

I couldn't bear us to part

Us

You and me

Together in undefined unity

But as that crimson tide

Rose high

Pulsing

Pouring

Bubbles frothing

Lips 

Lungs

Choking

We were both going to drown

I fought back

Don't hold me down

I took that knife

I sliced

I sliced

Right through my life

As a mother

Of a beautiful child

I looked again

Your eyes turned wild

I sliced that tie

That held me there

I could not bear

To see you stare

Knocking again and again 

At that door of despair 

I cut myself loose

And I said goodbye

to you

My Little Girl

You didn't know I had gone

Could not sense something was so desperately wrong

I wanted to stay there

To hold you

Love you

Breathe for you

But I had to go

To save yourself

Killing me softly

So deep 

Deep inside

No one knew 

How my heart had ripped

Open 

Raw

Gaping wide

I said goodbye to you 

My Little Girl

You had to learn

To fight 

To come right back

To find that

True sense of attack

To breathe for yourself

To adjust

To accept

And with time

To love 

you

I watched in pain

As the ocean of crimson

Flowed over you

Pushing you down

Glimmer of hope

Came as

Glimpses of what I had once known

Surfaced

But then you were forced down again

And again

Weak and sunken eyes

A world drowning 

Under a sea of sighs

I didn't know you

I couldn't reach you

You had begun to float away

What was hiding inside you

That kept you so far removed

From the strength 

That you once had

You left me cold

I took my heart out then 

Left it on the side

A mother's love 

I myself denied

Sacrifice

Comes at a price

Mistakes are there to be had

But quite why

We need to endure

Such loss

I am not sure

Perhaps for you

It was just so that we could

Come together once more

And feel what we know is true

Share our familial bond

A strength 

I think you now know that

You tried to refrain 

From looking closely as the pieces of your old world

Fell weightlessly

Like snowflakes from a darkened sky

Today there you were

By my side

And it felt so 

Right

To be us

As I remember once

The things we touched

Shared

We did it together 

So we didn't have to feel the pain

Today

I held you close

My arms around your heart

My hands caressing your soul

My heart beating strong

I didn't get it wrong

You didn't drown

Nothing could keep you down

You needed to do it for you

And here you are

My Little Girl

Breathing hard

Buoyant 

With love

Brimming with hope

Living and

Creating life 

You will always be My Little Girl

and I will never leave you out in the cold...

WASHING AWAY...

Don't leave me here to drown

Facade like a clown

These things keep me pushing down

I just wanna escape this town

I've given all I can to keep all right

Just know I might be outta fight

Yes 

Those dark clouds keep rolling in

And I don't wanna be trapped within

Reach out now to take my hand

Gently lead me to a new land

Smiles slipping silently away

Replaced with cement sighs of ghostly grey

Not sure I can face yet another day

Of heavy hearts that will be here to stay

Maybe just maybe

Sparks of brighter light 

Will reach down to me

And let me know I'll be all right

Unanchored and alone I'm left

Floating weightlessly, bereft

Of all the colours that made me me

Soft watercolours washing away

New Beginnings

And nothing more 

Grain of rice

Not seen before

Seed of life

Rush of love 

Centre of hope

A warm spark 

A gift of life

Not just to self

But to mother to be

A lifeline

Reached deep down within 

And pulled her out 

Gasping for breath

She's been underwater for far too long

Muted sound, soul-less song

Scattered thoughts

Blowing aimlessly in the wind

I tried hard to find her hand

Clasp it tight

Lead her with me through the night

Briefly held, I smiled again

She slipped silently 

Down once more into 

The darkest corner of 

Her mind

Lost

Fallen

My child burrowed into

The poisonous chamber of my heart

And I wanted her out

She did not belong there

But now

This gentle glimmer of hope

Holds her transfixed

Caught here

In the now

Head above water

Learning to breathe

A protective fold

Has taken its hold

And I embrace 

This change in face

My child is coming back

She has been gone for too long

Fighting

So strong

The tiniest heart beat

Begins right here

Pulsing with life

Time to smile

Moments to cherish

Pride swells

As she sheds her childish charms

One by one

Hope

I hope that this hope hangs on

Hold tight

Keep that love alight

Baby Bean... 

I hope that I may meet you one day

Not Knowing...

Give me your hand and I will hold it.  

Let's just see what happens next.

We will figure it out.

Trepidation. 

A word that embraces a nervous flutter that is caught somewhere deep inside. 

Not defined. 

Not associated to a one thing. 

Just an unnerving sense that has invaded the warm and happy space which I have occupied of late. And I don't want it to be there. 

Shaping what may be or what may become.

 Although I may have uncertainty, of this I am certain.

I feel that something significant is nudging me slightly off kilter despite my resistance.  

As I get nearer to something that makes me breathe happiness,  brushing the true depth of something special, there is a tell tale tug at the corners of my mind.

Reality, responsibility and rationality.

Is there scope to embrace all in one warm scoop?

To braid the norms with the new and the unknown

and to work together to overcome whatever may not yet be shown.

Trepidation melts, 

morphing into anticipation...

The future is bright

Reeling Feelings....

So how do I feel today?  

What should I feel on the day that follows that moment when everything changes all that has come before? When you stand frozen, stock still in time; caught between the past, the present and the future?

Yes. My daughter is pregnant. Just hearing those words silently swirl around my muddled mind as I watch as my fingers lightly touch these keys. Yes. She is pregnant. She has a partner. They may not be living together but they are in a relationship. And there is intent and intentions. 

My pregnant daughter. Excited, effusive, nervous and emotional. She is nineteen years old but is so very, very young. She is still navigating her way through an emotional roller-coaster and her own inner turmoil. And that is before the glimmer of a baby bean. A seed. 

She is catapulted full pelt now; staring towards her future as a mother. And right now she is a mother to be. My child.

So how do I feel today? 

      SAD        

There, I have said it out loud. 

SAD.

A heart that hangs that bit heavier inside me. 

Full of the burdens that are bestowed upon me as a parent. 

This occasion should be spectacular; brimming with the shiny excitement of the bubbling unknown. The precious gift of new life. But I am not there yet. 

There are no bubbles. 

Just flatness.

 And I feel sad 

that I don't feel joy.

      ALONE        

There is no one I know here who can really relate to where I am. 

Right now.

Un-anchored from my core as a parent.

I feel alone.

I also know that my daughter will be feeling alone somehow. 

It doesn't matter that I am here for her. I am.

She will feel that gentle tugging on all that she knows as those fraying threads 

of normality 

snap 

one 

by 

one. 

I don't want her to ever experience how I felt as I gingerly journeyed into motherhood. 

Without my own mother.

She was alive.

She was present somewhere nearby.

But I was alone.

And every day that my growing daughter's presence pulsed within my body I could no longer relate to a mother that would reject their own child.

But I am not my mother.

I will never be her.

I am me.

And, in turn, my daughter is not me.

We have shared a bond that has withstood so much.

Is it unbreakable? 

Time will tell. 

This is her time now. 

But I am still alone.

     EMPTY       

My daughter has now gone. 

She will never ever be the same child again.

No matter what happens next. 

I have lost someone who has been a part of me for so long.

Gone. 

And I feel empty too because I believe that I have given her my all.

All that I can.

All that I ever could.

And in the wake of a broken marriage, I have carried her tirelessly. 

But I am feeling depleted.

Dejected. 

But this is me.

I have been deeper and darker.

I will come back

AND

I won't feel emptiness for long.

I will rise up again and 

I will continue to give.

Give to my child, 

to my grandchild.

AND

to myself.

     ANGER      

Finally.

I have found myself.

My truth.

My core.

I have reached the time for me.

To experience, 

To live,

To breathe,

To laugh,

To love.

To keep my chest up and face the future. 

No matter what comes next.

I have sacrificed so much for so long 

Finally.

I am free.

Free 

to feel

to breathe

to live 

to laugh 

and to 

love.

And I don't want to be pulled back.

I don't want to be held back.

I want to forge forward.

Surging with renewed passions and vitality.

To skip barefoot in the sand

and to dance in the rain.

To sit in the warm pool of sunlight 

That surrounds me.

       EXCITED       

My child is carrying her own.

A little life is in its fluttering infancy.

Unfurling and latching on.

Holding tight.

And when this seeps into my thoughts, 

spreading like warm ink across a blotting pad,

I catch my breath.

It is a miracle.

A mother to be.

It is astounding

Astonishing

Overwhelming.

Like the anticipation of a momentous wave, my stomach lurches. 

I am caught up and carried higher and higher.

Until finally, as I fight to stay at the top of this thought,

the bottom of my rational world falls out

and everything drains away.

And with one last 

crash

every conceivable 

emotion

washes 

over me

I remain afloat.

Inflated.

Buoyant.

This is how I feel. Right here. Right now. Right in the moment....