My Smiling Mind...

I haven't been here for quite a while.


Seemingly lost under the heavy drapes of everyday living.  Sometimes too weary to find my way back here to this place in my smiling mind.


Like many of us, I lose my way a little. Perhaps I am failing to find that elusive  balance; instead being a bystander in my own life, seeing the warm familiarity fade as my unrealised dreams wash away.


It takes a shift, a change. And with that slight of hand, a chance to fight back. Fumble through  layers of expectations and demands that have smothered me somehow. And as I push the heaviness away, I find it is still here. That robust bubble of brightness that is rooted within me. My smiling mind. And I feel a sense of relief as I recognise that glimmer of hope, bobbing buoyantly. As free as I feel with this effervescent rush, I am anchored knowing that it doesn't matter how long I've been gone, I can come back.

We all fall prey to the marching drudgery of grey and with this subliminal surrender, we sacrifice some of our riches. Creativity caught choking on clouds of dust, colliding with commitment. And I should know this by now. But I can't seem to stop the inevitable slide into the slipstream of mind numbing normalcy. Like colouring inside the lines, I am constrained by the rigidity of routines and demands that are unyielding. Automatically turning the pages of a well-read book, I progress without taking the time to appreciate all that's here. So I go back again. Retrace my steps, trudging through the same chapter. Different day, same sense of senselessness. It is then that I become aware of my own disconnect. And this is not where I should be. Passive and existing, skimming along the surface of a vanilla veneer? No. This is not who I am. And I fight back.


I step outside. Shed the shroud. Fresh air and breathing space.
Depth and vibrancy bring me back.


Yes I've been gone a little too long but I'm here energised once again.  I'm feeling alive with the pure joy of life.


Bright sky
Wet rain
Warm socks
Buzzing brain


Maybe one of a kind but this is a tiny peek inside my smiling mind...

Come Play...

Come 

Spend some time 

With me

Each day's an adventure

Just wait to see

Chase my sunset

Breathe my sunrise

Fill my heart 

With echoes and sighs

Light my brightest smile

Bring me in close 

Just for awhile

Watch me laugh

 Then a little skip

Keen to make that quickest quip

In your kitchen

I watch you cook

 Thinking outside your brain-book

Pillows on me pile so high

Peel them back

And 

My Oh My

Bright lights from ceilings high

Not once in darkness did we just lie

Breathing gently 

Soft on my skin

See those goosebumps 

Rise from within 

Morning coffee 

Just the way it should be

The things that you like 

When you're with T

Water dancing along my skin

I'm almost done

I'll let you in

Walls to stretch

Touch 

Entice

Warm together 

Yes

It's

Nice

A Moment in Time...

In this tiny moment

I was here

Lost and found

In this tiny moment

I was stepping out

Not looking back

In this tiny moment

I was growing

In a new world 

In this tiny moment

I was feeling

Pushing thoughts away

In this tiny moment

I was breathing deep

And I didn't shrink away

In this tiny moment

I was giving

I was receiving

In this tiny moment

I was looking

Through and beyond

In this tiny moment

I was strong

Womanly warm and weak

In this tiny moment

I was open

Laid naked and bare 

In this tiny moment

I was falling

But I didn't feel fear

In this tiny moment

I was free

To just be me

In this tiny moment

I was

Alive

Feeling

Breathing

Believing

In this tiny moment

I was falling

In this tiny moment

I was falling

In 

In this tiny moment

I was falling

In 

Love

                                                    

Falling Through A Simple World ...Part Two

Nothing to call my own. Not right now. Not today. Feel too foreign; disconnected from what it is that I know. 

Where have you gone and where have you been? Suddenly a gaping chasm by my side and there is nothingness falling around me. Sometimes a blurred wetness like rain that pours persistently and then as a slow, meandering drift like snowflakes from a leaden greyish blue sky. What to do and where to go. But most pertinently, what should I feel? Right now. Please someone tell me. Guide me. Lead me. Direct me. Take charge. I don't want to have to try. Try. Not anymore. I am tired. 

I don't want to have to choose. Please. Set me free. For christ's sake. Just let me be.

I am feisty. I fight. I am principled. I have integrity. Yes. It is true. But I am so spent. I have nothing left to give. I don't want to have to try. Not anymore. I don't want to have to give it all away. Please come to me. Be here. Take a breath. Remind me that I like you. Days pass. And emptiness fills me. But it is not real. It is a vacuous fill that I feel. 

All my instincts. They mutter and they moan. They are burning. Burning deep. Should I embrace or should I simply ignore? I cannot wait another day. Please. Offer me something that will keep this pain at bay. It is dark and I am so over it all. I just need to stand in your arms. Feet not tiptoeing but letting you come to me. Just relax. Let you come to me. 

But I am here. You are there. I am. Not complete. Not warmed or touched. I burn when I cry but I cannot keep it here. I need release. Set me free. Say my name. Call me out. Test my thoughts. My mind. My funky, funny, wonderful head. 

The heart that you have caught is weakly beating. Trapped and constrained in the tangled net of my former family. Set me free. I cannot bear this. I never thought that I could be here with someone who holds my heart. Put your arms around me and give me that life saving breath. I am so pressured. So constrained.

Conflicted. 

A word that hangs heavy. You cannot see right through these walls but you, yes YOU, you will feel where I am. Right now. Lost and on the verge of drowning. Help me. Give me that first rescue breath. I hope that see you right through what I am saying and what I don't dare let escape... 

Hold me. Say nothing. Give me your strength. I will do my best to be there for you before you ever fall. But for me, right now, this is the most truly abhorrent place to be. 

Please catch me because I am already falling...

                                                           Through a simple world.

FOURTEEN TEN FIFTEEN

I've got a feeling

I cannot shake it

I cannot comprehend

No sense and no real thing

Just a feeling

But through heartache comes a spray of warmth 

like large fat blobs of water that kiss my skin 

And it makes me smile

From the inside out 

Maybe, just maybe

This will really work itself out

The only exception

That true love truly lasts

To make it alone, I have kept it a comfortable distance 

But the bell rings and the smiles arrive 

Big, bright and exceptional 

like a double rainbow at my front door 

A tight grip on reality but when I look and see 

I want to let it slide

To come on into your life and enjoy this free-falling joy ride

A carefree, chaotic approach to real life

You are my only exception

We may have problems and we may not be able to solve them 

But you have something precious that changes how I feel

I just want to be like you

Lost in the reverie

We all need a little sweetness in our life

And you have yours and now you are willing to share

Embraces and physical touch

Eyes connect

Two bottles of red a welcome sound

Doesn't matter if we drink too much

You are upbeat and bright

Young love

The most beautiful sight

Frequent brushes of skin

Bubbling vibrancy 

Too much to ever sink in

Birthday

It is the first one we have not really had

But when I see this

I am so totally glad

Reveals of rose gold heart

And miniature charms

No one should deny you this

Yes

We all wish you the best

Some may state good luck with 

That challenging year ahead

But when I really sit and stare

I do so without the earlier 

Heavy heart of overdue care

A shift indeed

You and he-or-she, 

Will just be fine

I know this when I see

In those eyes 

The he claims you 

As mine

Starting at six

Birthday breathes 

Big, bold glasses of 

One-Tayl-Or-Two 

Rich, plummy Cab 

Sav

Your very own Aussie namesake

I won't ever make that same mistake

Embrace your heart

And don't be allowed to be forced apart

Bring you both close into my fold

Doesn't matter that I am in no way old

I will be ready 

I am wide awake

I see 

I hear

You both talk

Laugh

Giggle

Play 

Tell the tales of the night 

That led to your 20th birthday

Both dive in

Words collide and morph into one

You have shown that your lives 

Have truly begun

Shared tales

Sentences from each you end 

And when he looks at you

Love and respect simply transcend

All that was laid bare before

So the feeling that nudges

Subtly at my breast bone

Is pushed way down low

Not tonight

Put that fear out of sight

You two don't want to do it alone

I am the token one

Sole grandparent to your unborn child

Here to say how this all once begun

How little BB was actually planned

Something you both want the world 

To try to understand

Love is what brought you here

Fresh faces that disguise any fear

Six turns to twelve

One, two and now opening three

We are deep in a developing camaraderie 

In this place I am happy to be

He shares a part of his deep seated misery

It is real

He speaks so true

There is no way that

He would ever intentionally hurt either of you

He has your heart

Captured close and squeezing tight

Arms strong for you 

He would undoubtedly fight

Conversations effortlessly unreel

Religion, education and some other stuff

That seems just so surreal

Nothing appears out of bounds

You both have ideas and dreams

But what truly resounds

Is the compassion and support 

that comes in reams and reams

You clearly have each other 

and are ready to start

on one shared journey

after two pasts that may have kept you apart

and right now you two

are in the present 

expectant with a little one

with promise of a fulfilled future 

FOURTEEN TEN FIFTEEN

***********************

FOURTEEN FIVE SIXTEEN 

Falling Through A Simple World... Part One

What to decide when the pain rains relentlessly hard inside. The inevitable lurch of your stomach when you remember. Not through conscious thought but a blurred moment that washes across your mind's eye like silent soap suds in a slow motioned car wash. Then you are here somehow in the present. And it feels pointy and you don't like the way this hurts.

Not jarring and definitely not jolting. Just a heartless hollowness that hangs heavy. And it is not you. Your heart is warm and full. Charged by those around you, electrical impulses dancing in simple synchronisation. It shouldn't feel like this. A missed beat. A significant shift in life's rhythm.

WHY?

One minute so happy.

So high.

Light. Giddy.

Filled with heady helium happiness.

A warmth that radiates from within. So buoyant that each breath I take expands that exhilaration almost to bursting point. A new found freshness that courses through me like a sharp intake of extra strong pepperminty breath.

A week ago I was alive. Free from time. 

Everything I saw, touched, tasted and savoured encased with a sweet golden glow. The trees that breathed and swayed did so in harnessed harmony. The wheat fields bobbed and bowed before me. Gently beckoning: be one of us. I toyed with the idea of diving in between the sheaths of virgin green. To feel the scratchiness against my softened skin before collapsing, spine hard against the flat earth, shining eyes mirroring the vastness of blue overheard.

Inviting. There was no pretence. Just real. I didn't want to hide. I was almost out. I was so utterly present. On top of the world no matter where my feet stood. The smooth stone sculpture a calming coolness against the backdrop of sun drenched warmth. 

A tactile creature? 

Yes. 

But that means I feel.

I hurt.

I feel hurt. 

You sense the whistling glint of his arrowhead as it streaks through the air; anticipating the first hot metallic sting on your skin. And as it makes that first contact you feel the increasing pressure as it slowly punctures your first layer of love. You brace yourself. Pull your skin tight offering up a barrier. But he drives that point in. At first, you feel nothing. Too shocked to retrieve the scrambled message of pain. But it drives deeper. Down to the next layer. A penetrating single entry. Numbness no more. Driven home hard. Again and again. You get it. You feel it. You brace but you know that you will finally buckle. Crumpling under the excruciating pain of this unrelenting assault. 

You fumble for a shield. Protect your child. You come second. When that protection is ripped away, you do the only thing that is left. You reflect. Redirect those blows. Send them ricocheting off you haphazardly. You hesitate. Momentarily you question yourself. Where will this end? What have you done? But within that split second of doubt, there it was. The final blow. An arrow to the heart. 

And as I am hit hard, I feel a sense of swirliness as still-shots of my Odyssey flood my mind. Hills and vineyards. Plum red liquid rolling around voluptuous glasses. Gravel and grass. Liquid orange flames. Time to Wander. Pink. 

Two worlds collide into one. Sublime bliss  dissipating rapidly into this. 

And as I try to stem the flow, these vivid images begin to wash away and my colourful warmth fades to a steely cold. 'Don't contact me for four weeks,' I say. No emotion. There was more but I cannot recall the words or sounds because once turned cold, I harden. 
Feel no more. Defences up to protect my warmly filled heart. 

I take my child by her hand and lead her out into the darkened night. 

And we walk. Alone. Together in silence. 

Falling through a simple world. 



To be continued...

VIRGIN VOYAGE...

So here we are

Sat alongside one another. 13A and 13C. Both busy at our keyboards. Foreign territory to write about you whilst I can physically feel your warmth next to me. Both lost in creative thought; you most likely developing your book further while I still paddle around in the here and now. 

Just faintly aware of the differences in writing style, pace and momentum. You pause frequently to revisit. Touch your chin. Scratch. Okay - cough. And then back to the keys you go. Your every five or so words to my twenty. And as you would say, that is okay. Left hand to your face; much deeper in thought. Signals the need for an edit; rearrangement or rethought all together. You hit those keys with your own rhythm. Three fingers on the right and almost the same on the left. Mine fly across the alphabet. Free flowing and uncurbed. Total abandon. Less thought. No discipline. And with that, you turn to me and simply say, “I think I've just gone into flight mode.”  I smile. You have lasted way longer than I had anticipated. After all, we may have spoken briefly about our respective travelling styles. You have joked about drooling on me from several thousand feet. But it was me that was the first to be photographed, eyes closed. (Yes, MD. Delete that series, okay?)

You instruct me to wake you if there is anything interesting. I smile from the inside out. I have seen you sleep. I have felt you sleep. I have been in your sleep. You will be far away by now in a myriad of moving pictures; those that capture you and those that catapult you from a zillion thoughts to be processed to the next best thing. You have shared your inner workings of a mind that doesn’t sleep. A mind that is more raw, fervent and revealing perhaps than when in wake mode. When you are at the helm, steering this mighty ship of your mind, you work hard to keep those filters and social reflexes in check. But when asleep, there is most definitely a switch that cannot be flicked. A key to a chamber that hosts millions of shards of thoughts, dreams, visions and what may becomes.There have been multicoloured lacings of stuff and things; some of which you have shared with me upon your sudden waking. And there is no doubt. Your mind is extraordinary. 

So now you are sleeping; drifting somewhere far away as we hurtle across the hazy blues and wispy whites. Heading homeward to a place where our single lives will intermingle once again. I change the font back to dark so that I may read what it is that the fingers of my mind feel. A surprising self consciousness washed over me as I was so acutely aware of your presence next to me. The buffer of time and distance that usually falls between us when I write, simply evaporated. Because this is our virgin voyage. No longer a slice of life but a hearty chunk of time that we have spent side by side; together. As you said: 90 or so hours when we have not been more than 20 feet apart. 

Adelaide, Baby…

Seven minutes forty. You stir. I stop. I wait. You reach for your drink. Sip, yawn and recline and then straight back into the stretches of subconscious thoughts that lay out before you. 

Adelaide; it signifies so much. 

Your home. Your family. Your former you. Layers of a life that has held you somehow; both supported and constrained. An intricate weaving of experiences that have shaped you; driving you forward and perhaps even away from things that you no longer desire.

I have come to be with you. Here. Significant perhaps to walk alongside you. A journey to your past with a piece of your present right by your side. And I am in your present and I hope to remain here so that I can form part of your future. And to share our first trip together where you are letting me on the inside of part of you has been quite the thing. Friends, family, pictures, places - stuff and things. All that bear stories of youthful zealousness, love, freedom and a strong desire to belong and to be seen, mixed with smatterings of angst and poignant twists and turns in your life. Chance phrases that fall off your tongue before the filters frame your thoughts; yes, you are so much further along your life journey and you are okay with that. You have said that often. A gentle goodbye to some of the adolescent agitation that came before perhaps. And that’s okay. And as you have shared some of your childhood, I have watched you dance along the surface of your family.  A distance that keeps you feeling safe, perhaps. 

And when you feel safe, this tells me one thing. 

That you care. 

Our first chance to taste a chunk of life together. 

A serious sense of shared time. 

A virgin voyage just six months from when we first met.
It's Quite The Thing

Come walk alongside me some more

My Little Girl

You've felt the pain

My Little Girl

Sadly

You have felt it

Again and Again

For a while

I fought the knife

That sliced right through our life

The first cut smooth and shallow

Causing distraction

And deferred pain

But then back and forth

It ran through your flesh

Again and again

I tightened my grip

Friction fighting 

Futility

I stared hard at the glinting edge

That rhythmically ripped 

Into our known

Repetitive

Unstoppable

Still I was holding on

To that blade that cut 

Us to the core

I tried to stop 

The muted mercilessness 

But there was more

MORE

Despite my hold

The pain and suffering began to unfold

And I pulled against it

Never faltering

I held tight

Loving you when here and 

When out of sight

I carried you with me

But the wound began to weep

And as I refused to release my grip

On life's knife

I watched it puncture your heart

So deep, so swift

You didn't wince

The depth of entry was greater 

Than its width

Still I remain latched on

As a starving babe

Sucking for life

I couldn't let go

At the start

Petals of crimson rose

Fell

Scattering softly to the ground

But as the pain increased

Without sound

The screaming red

Streamed

Pooling around our feet

Banging relentlessly 

Inside my head

That screaming red

Staring 

At the crimson tide

That seeped out 

From deep inside

I fought again

I took you 

To my heart

To a place from where

I couldn't bear us to part

Us

You and me

Together in undefined unity

But as that crimson tide

Rose high

Pulsing

Pouring

Bubbles frothing

Lips 

Lungs

Choking

We were both going to drown

I fought back

Don't hold me down

I took that knife

I sliced

I sliced

Right through my life

As a mother

Of a beautiful child

I looked again

Your eyes turned wild

I sliced that tie

That held me there

I could not bear

To see you stare

Knocking again and again 

At that door of despair 

I cut myself loose

And I said goodbye

to you

My Little Girl

You didn't know I had gone

Could not sense something was so desperately wrong

I wanted to stay there

To hold you

Love you

Breathe for you

But I had to go

To save yourself

Killing me softly

So deep 

Deep inside

No one knew 

How my heart had ripped

Open 

Raw

Gaping wide

I said goodbye to you 

My Little Girl

You had to learn

To fight 

To come right back

To find that

True sense of attack

To breathe for yourself

To adjust

To accept

And with time

To love 

you

I watched in pain

As the ocean of crimson

Flowed over you

Pushing you down

Glimmer of hope

Came as

Glimpses of what I had once known

Surfaced

But then you were forced down again

And again

Weak and sunken eyes

A world drowning 

Under a sea of sighs

I didn't know you

I couldn't reach you

You had begun to float away

What was hiding inside you

That kept you so far removed

From the strength 

That you once had

You left me cold

I took my heart out then 

Left it on the side

A mother's love 

I myself denied

Sacrifice

Comes at a price

Mistakes are there to be had

But quite why

We need to endure

Such loss

I am not sure

Perhaps for you

It was just so that we could

Come together once more

And feel what we know is true

Share our familial bond

A strength 

I think you now know that

You tried to refrain 

From looking closely as the pieces of your old world

Fell weightlessly

Like snowflakes from a darkened sky

Today there you were

By my side

And it felt so 

Right

To be us

As I remember once

The things we touched

Shared

We did it together 

So we didn't have to feel the pain

Today

I held you close

My arms around your heart

My hands caressing your soul

My heart beating strong

I didn't get it wrong

You didn't drown

Nothing could keep you down

You needed to do it for you

And here you are

My Little Girl

Breathing hard

Buoyant 

With love

Brimming with hope

Living and

Creating life 

You will always be My Little Girl

and I will never leave you out in the cold...

New Beginnings

And nothing more 

Grain of rice

Not seen before

Seed of life

Rush of love 

Centre of hope

A warm spark 

A gift of life

Not just to self

But to mother to be

A lifeline

Reached deep down within 

And pulled her out 

Gasping for breath

She's been underwater for far too long

Muted sound, soul-less song

Scattered thoughts

Blowing aimlessly in the wind

I tried hard to find her hand

Clasp it tight

Lead her with me through the night

Briefly held, I smiled again

She slipped silently 

Down once more into 

The darkest corner of 

Her mind

Lost

Fallen

My child burrowed into

The poisonous chamber of my heart

And I wanted her out

She did not belong there

But now

This gentle glimmer of hope

Holds her transfixed

Caught here

In the now

Head above water

Learning to breathe

A protective fold

Has taken its hold

And I embrace 

This change in face

My child is coming back

She has been gone for too long

Fighting

So strong

The tiniest heart beat

Begins right here

Pulsing with life

Time to smile

Moments to cherish

Pride swells

As she sheds her childish charms

One by one

Hope

I hope that this hope hangs on

Hold tight

Keep that love alight

Baby Bean... 

I hope that I may meet you one day