So when is it really the final goodbye?
Perhaps when the simple word is not even uttered out loud. It never slips out of your mouth, it is too painful to breathe it but somehow it bleeds from your weeping heart.
A pivotal time. When you know. You just know that the last glimpse of your turning back signifies the final goodbye. The end of a relationship that I have carried close for years.
A pillar of strength that crumbles before you. Sense and sensibility just slipping away. When all the sentences start with, "I am sorry but I won't..." Now was the time to put yourself way back down that list. To step up and make room for others in that world of yours. I told you how it would be. I pleaded you to trust me, to remember who I am. I offered you my hand, my heart and my humility and you took them all tonight and crushed them with one fell swoop. Shatterings of my love for you simply left on the table. Discarded crumbs. A meal that left me empty; you will never be able to replenish me again. A hollow love in the pit of my stomach, weighing deep.
God knows what you were thinking when you looked into my deep, tear filled eyes. Could you not see me? We have shared so much for so long. But tonight, I was a stranger that sat at your table that you dismissed with your hardened hand. A hand that has held mine and touched my life so deeply. Even as I reached out more, you slapped me back. A coldness that shrouded you and fell between us just like the crisp white linen that lay before us. It divided my heart right there in two.
Briefest of moments when I reached inside and touched you deep. Reminding of you of what has come before. Bringing the pain of experienced loss to the top of your heart. Do you really want to do this again? Sharing what may become. Chances. Chances to stop. To think. To reflect and the biggest chance of all not to speak. Those words that exited your mouth in considered tones; no rage, no heat. Just steadfast and cold. Each syllable travelled through the air, stinging my skin with its chill. And as your intention grew momentum, those words became sentences that slashed right through my heart. You will never take those back. It is too late. The bitterness still remains.
I will never forget what you have said tonight. How you have behaved. How once again you have been prepared to turn your back on those that matter most. A slight of hand belies the depth of scarring heart. And you turned to me and said, "If you and I are to fall out, so be it."
And I knew when you could not meet my eye, when you walked away without the slightest glance behind that you have left a trail of tattered childhood love and respect behind.
I don't want to be here. I won't watch as desperate disappointment deepens in my heart. You have let me down once again. And we will never be the same.
Goodbye, Dad. You just slipped away.
In time, I may find shelter from this raw pain when I remember fondly the times we have shared. But for now, I know that nothing can make it better. You will feel pain and I will struggle when I think of this. But I cannot be what you want me to be. You are testing my unconditional love. I know that I am being selfish but I don't want to face what you are becoming. I have always felt more. Protected you. But as I said, I have my life ahead of me and that of my own child. And, in time, a life of an unborn grandchild. I will take those protective layers and wrap this family unit up tight. I am needed here. And you chose tonight to walk away.
You have been here before. Walked away from others and I have always been there for you as you work through the turmoil. But when you didn't say goodbye, you chose to walk away once again. But tonight you walked away from me.
The fading figure of my father disappearing into the darkness. Leaving me there without a word.
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