Where have you gone and where have you been? Suddenly a gaping chasm by my side and there is nothingness falling around me. Sometimes a blurred wetness like rain that pours persistently and then as a slow, meandering drift like snowflakes from a leaden greyish blue sky. What to do and where to go. But most pertinently, what should I feel? Right now. Please someone tell me. Guide me. Lead me. Direct me. Take charge. I don't want to have to try. Try. Not anymore. I am tired.
I don't want to have to choose. Please. Set me free. For christ's sake. Just let me be.
I am feisty. I fight. I am principled. I have integrity. Yes. It is true. But I am so spent. I have nothing left to give. I don't want to have to try. Not anymore. I don't want to have to give it all away. Please come to me. Be here. Take a breath. Remind me that I like you. Days pass. And emptiness fills me. But it is not real. It is a vacuous fill that I feel.
All my instincts. They mutter and they moan. They are burning. Burning deep. Should I embrace or should I simply ignore? I cannot wait another day. Please. Offer me something that will keep this pain at bay. It is dark and I am so over it all. I just need to stand in your arms. Feet not tiptoeing but letting you come to me. Just relax. Let you come to me.
But I am here. You are there. I am. Not complete. Not warmed or touched. I burn when I cry but I cannot keep it here. I need release. Set me free. Say my name. Call me out. Test my thoughts. My mind. My funky, funny, wonderful head.
The heart that you have caught is weakly beating. Trapped and constrained in the tangled net of my former family. Set me free. I cannot bear this. I never thought that I could be here with someone who holds my heart. Put your arms around me and give me that life saving breath. I am so pressured. So constrained.
Conflicted.
A word that hangs heavy. You cannot see right through these walls but you, yes YOU, you will feel where I am. Right now. Lost and on the verge of drowning. Help me. Give me that first rescue breath. I hope that see you right through what I am saying and what I don't dare let escape...
Hold me. Say nothing. Give me your strength. I will do my best to be there for you before you ever fall. But for me, right now, this is the most truly abhorrent place to be.
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