White Noise

And just like that it came creeping back. 

Like the rising tide, its rhythm washed unnoticed over me. 

This time I felt it lodged right there.

I Like...

Your hand in mine

Blue skies after wet rain

Ruby red wine

Complex exciting brain

Thoughts that stay throughout the day

Childlike-me just wants to play 

Far off lands and odysseys

Fun-filled secret fantasies

Golden hues and vivid green

Hidden treasures not yet seen

Outside air kissing skin

Sensuality flooding in 

Colours splash across the page

Skip grim-grey, don't want to age

See this life with vibrant youth

Speak all words with earnest truth

Spinning world with steady ground

Moving pictures filled with sound

My One Wish...

Now is the time

Hold it

Before it takes flight

Closing hand

Feel gently

Between finger and thumb

What is real

And all that is right

Quivering voice deep within

Push it down

Best not let that begin

Will drown out 

The sound of you

Choose the right voice

To listen to

Fluttering wings

Fragile body

Eyes scanning skies

High and low

For god's sake

Don't let this go

Holding breath

Standing tall

Made it this far

Avoid a fall

Keep stepping 

Heel to toe

Feel earth underfoot

Shuffle one then two

You know what to do

Clasp that hand

Try not to misunderstand

There are no doubts

No reservations

Being here with you

Feel that flutter

Delicate thing

Don't want to be hurt

Shouldn't have to think

Just be at one

With all that has begun

Feel all that I am

Finally realise

I see my true self 

Reflected in those eyes

Slowly release a once tightly formed grip

Let it flow and just be so

I am me 

That is all that I have ever wanted to be

Lengthening stride 

As I grow from deep inside

I don't know how this began

You were just this man

But I know who I am 

And all that I feel

My one wish

Just keep it real

The Day...

I first felt you
There beside me
I had no words.
No knowledge,
No grasp of what
Would be coming next.
That was the day
When what I had ever known
Would simply be wiped away.

From those first
Mouthfuls of you
Gently imbibed
A breathy blend of
Whisky and intrigue
Distinct expressiveness
That wove through
Artful conversation.
All this;
Yes
You piqued my interest.
Touched me somewhere new
I was there
Present in the moment
Finding me through you.

An intense clarity in your eyes
Reflected me back.
Simple honesty
Uncomplicated
I was here
Engaged and willing
Something about you
Who, and how you are
Led me to share
Small mouth-sized bites of me
And as time carried us
Through that night
Our lives began to touch

And as that day
Morphed into those moments
That ended and began
Whitewashed working weeks,
I began to
Physically
Emotionally
Intellectually
Let you in
To places that even
I had never seen.

Subconsciously
Perhaps,
I don't recall the thought;
The deliberation
The question.
I knew I felt
Different.
An organic
Lifting of the layers
Began way before this
First time meet.
Smudged fingerprints of former lives spent
Traced their way across our written words
And cracks of light spilled through
The pages of what would become
This;
The Story of Us.

And here you were
Right beside me
This physical presence
A manifestation of
Those gentle nudges
As you questioned your own
life learning,
Offering
Acute insights and
Acrid admonishments
Of that once-little boy
Earnest and deserving

The day I first felt you
Inside me
Wanting
Needing
Believing
No falter
No hesitation
Accepting
That this felt right
No awkwardness
For us to clamber over
Part-pasts too painful to 
Pointlessly paint over
So we shared
What was right
Peeling back our layers
As we slipped silently
Safely into the night
Yes
That is the day
I felt us 

Doesn't Matter...

Strewn clothes

Warm fuzziness

That hangs right here

Rain spattered window panes

Cold flagstone floors

Ticking clocks

Smallgoods and homemade breads

Ever changing skies

Clumps of clouds roll in

As mundanities roll out

Sighs out to sea

Nestled up here

You with me

Steam rising, curling smoke

Amber glows, popping wood

Writing words and reading books

Feelings shared in just those looks

Doesn't matter where 

As long as we are both there 

Two Small Worlds...

Yes,

It is undeniably true

When I say I have fallen simply for you.

Yet

There are days in my head where there's nothing but blue,

I have an ache that hovers as it softly seeps through

Layers, once mine but are now me and you.

I've been thinking about Us, you see

And what it is to be here, as me.

Floating along on this love-lapping tide,

I sometimes get caught while lost in our ride.

Emotions and colours escape once tied.

Synchronicity. Yes, that is you by my side.

Serendipitous as two small worlds quietly collide.

One Adventure 

My Smiling Mind...

I haven't been here for quite a while.


Seemingly lost under the heavy drapes of everyday living.  Sometimes too weary to find my way back here to this place in my smiling mind.


Like many of us, I lose my way a little. Perhaps I am failing to find that elusive  balance; instead being a bystander in my own life, seeing the warm familiarity fade as my unrealised dreams wash away.


It takes a shift, a change. And with that slight of hand, a chance to fight back. Fumble through  layers of expectations and demands that have smothered me somehow. And as I push the heaviness away, I find it is still here. That robust bubble of brightness that is rooted within me. My smiling mind. And I feel a sense of relief as I recognise that glimmer of hope, bobbing buoyantly. As free as I feel with this effervescent rush, I am anchored knowing that it doesn't matter how long I've been gone, I can come back.

We all fall prey to the marching drudgery of grey and with this subliminal surrender, we sacrifice some of our riches. Creativity caught choking on clouds of dust, colliding with commitment. And I should know this by now. But I can't seem to stop the inevitable slide into the slipstream of mind numbing normalcy. Like colouring inside the lines, I am constrained by the rigidity of routines and demands that are unyielding. Automatically turning the pages of a well-read book, I progress without taking the time to appreciate all that's here. So I go back again. Retrace my steps, trudging through the same chapter. Different day, same sense of senselessness. It is then that I become aware of my own disconnect. And this is not where I should be. Passive and existing, skimming along the surface of a vanilla veneer? No. This is not who I am. And I fight back.


I step outside. Shed the shroud. Fresh air and breathing space.
Depth and vibrancy bring me back.


Yes I've been gone a little too long but I'm here energised once again.  I'm feeling alive with the pure joy of life.


Bright sky
Wet rain
Warm socks
Buzzing brain


Maybe one of a kind but this is a tiny peek inside my smiling mind...

Lifelong Journey of Love…

                                                             

 

 

 

You will feel it

Live it

Breathe it

Think it

Believe it

Be a part of it

The love of a mother is like no other

No words

No colours

No senses

Will ever truly encompass

That true beauty

Of a mother’s love

The engulfing

Overwhelming

Suffocating

Driving

Compassion and yearning

You will have for your child

 

The first look

The first touch

The first smile

The first kiss

The first recognition of you

As a mother

 

A hug that will come with time

An embrace that will squeeze the very breath out of your heart that has ached for so long

A connectedness that

Completes you

A tiny human

A tangible reflection of

What you offer this world

And the love that is outpouring

With her first tears

You will weep

As you remain uneasy

She may sleep

Standing over her as her chest gently falls

The true purpose of new life calls

A tentative touch

That will hurt so much

Her first meaningful word

Waited to be heard

The sound of her play

Will soothe your pain away

You have made it to this starting place

Together, mother and daughter, life you will face

The smallest noticed thing

Will ultimately make your heart sing…

 

 

 

 

JUST CHARLOTTE SOMETIMES...

She's the type of girl 

Whose hair will freely curl 

Spark of light in her eyes 

Love of life can't disguise 

Just by chance you may meet

Simply strolling down the street

That hop-skip in her talk 

Like the way her hips walk 

Wind blows, wild and free

She will dance, just wait and see

Stops to touch almost everything

To your world a joy she'll bring

Watch her gaze, feel her feel

See her breathe all that's real

Love her laugh, childish squeak 

Stuff and things she will seek

See her wonder, feel her awe

May just leave you wanting more

She's likes to give, loves to care

Just stop still and breathe her air

Take her by her open hand

See her world; understand

Chance Meeting... (End not in sight)

Tumbling through an open door
Not sure what will lay before
Eyes dance across dim light
Until the moment of first sight
Slipping deftly from his seat
Now's the time to chance-it-meet
A warm embrace
First brush of face
Arms wrap around
Momentary pause of sound
No time for thought
The table left is sought
Then the bar's bubbling chat
Rises up just like that
In amongst the city shabby chic
He stands strong full of speak
And after some talk and think
He offers to buy the first drink
And as he stands at the bar
She can study him from afar

Wake Up

So the time has probably arrived. 

The one that you wish wasn't just around the corner. The juncture that has evaded definition until right about now. The moment that has been shrouded in a beautiful muted grey. Soft, wafting and elusive. But now it has morphed into a newly defined sharpness that prevails as the now. The present. 

Face it. Feel it. Ride it and hope to come out the other side. Breathe in until it hurts. Deep seated sharpness. Arousing the senses. Kick starting the brain. Think. That's what you have avoided until now. 

Thoughts. Bottled rationalised emotions. Bubbling away. Safe until they are released into the wide sense of self realisation. 

I'm not scared. I am ready. Ready for the moment that will shape my tomorrows. But are you? My dear friend. Will you be here, walking alongside me every step of the way?

Tip the rim and grip the stem. Pour that clear straw like liquid right in. I don't want to be broken. I yearn to emerge from this. Phoenix from the ashes. 

Ride this journey with me. Ups and downs. Don't let it submerge us now. Like lifeless debris cast out to sea. Bobbing around - just you and me. Cut loose and carefree. That is what I want to be. Free from the pull of my now but it's not to be. 

Wake up.

Face it.

Hear it.

Feel it.

Then live it. 

And like the harsh sunlight that crashes through your waking moments, the truth will seep through. A husk of life or a seed to grow? This is your chance to let your choice show. 

But as it radiates up, snaking through your core, you know deep down that you have choice no more. Take what you can. Hold it here, clasped feebly in your hand knowing that it will be ripped from you.

Inside you, you know that it is over. You've skipped and danced. Skating across the surface of what scares you most. It's not really left you blind.  The chase through the maze; running from what is close behind. 

Steady. I can hear your heartbeat. Settle me now. Take a breath. Allow yourself to be frozen in time. Still your senses. Just be. Here. Now. Present. Skin and bone close. Pressing against what you love the most.

A few hours and the words will be released. Once out, fluttering frenetically in front of your face. Capture one and its true meaning you try to trace. Hold it there in your trembling hand. Why is truth so hard to understand?

Take me back to that place of warmth and love. A chance to see you from above. Looking down, it comes into place. The boyish pleasure on your face. But i am dragged from far behind, pulled back to a place unkind. 

Wake up.

Face it.

Hear it.

Feel it.

Then live it. 

I can do this. I can. But for now, I'm a girl and you're a man. Hold me close. Wrap me up. Let me be the needy one. Warm me up and breathe the life back into me. Hear my unspoken words. Breathe me in. 

Tip the rim and grip the stem. Pour that clear straw like liquid right in. Washing over like an oily slick, painful attacks are so damn quick. 

I will sit and listen well, knowing that there's nought to tell. 

Leave It Be...

When all you knew is now not true

Questions raised

Leaving hollow wounds weeping through

The warmer layers of nostalgia

A sense of cold could grip on tight

But leave it be 
Because as much as you might

Need or yearn
To understand 
To learn

Hunting reason today will not

Answer what came before
It's too damn jumbled

Confused to restore

Leave the past where it's meant to be

Distant, faded 
and 
Solitary

Step right back
Sit on your heels

Watch the ripples of the murky past
Collide, progress but gradually still
Don't stir them more

The feelings won’t last

Another day, another time

That puddle will be just calm

A brownish lake of some

Past mistake

Stirring that now will cloud the colours

That wash over the day you’re in

A burning brightness that

Breathes within

Tugging on that thread of thought

Will not satisfy your heart or mind

But leave you empty, fraught or
Senselessly caught

Asking more and more

Trying to fathom what came before

Journeys of life bring us here

Shape our responses

Mold our now

To revisit something just to understand

To change the track

By looking way back

Would be a one way ride to doom

And you’ve returned

 Survived

Come

Leave the past 
Let it be

Distant, faded 
and 
Solitary

Journeys are just 

What they are meant to be

And you've arrived
Just in time 
You're not too soon
And
It's not too late
In fact some may say 
It's
Probable Fate

 You are right where you're meant to be. 
So keep walking along this meandering track, 
looking forward and not once turning back...

YOU’RE MY KINDA KALEIDOSCOPE

fun

loving

warm

challenging

engaging
expressive

tactile

questioning

quirky

surprising
compassionate

earnest

honest

fresh

bare

deep
witty 
wordsmith

wordless

poignant

touching

brave

bold

sensitive

curious

learning

 reflective

open

accessible

independent

willing

sharing

caring

physical

gentle

organic

raw

posing

intricate

strong

robust

delicate

sincere

free

attached

wanting

persistent

patient

giving

determined

instinctive

intuitive

competitive

humble

satiating

tender

convicted

understanding

intriguing

carefree

serious

wonderment

intense

sensibility

sensuality

seriously

You’re my kinda kaleidoscope

I never wanted vanilla

Shower me with your multicolours

Let’s see what shapes together we make

Seriously, where have I been all your life?