My One Wish...

Now is the time

Hold it

Before it takes flight

Closing hand

Feel gently

Between finger and thumb

What is real

And all that is right

Quivering voice deep within

Push it down

Best not let that begin

Will drown out 

The sound of you

Choose the right voice

To listen to

Fluttering wings

Fragile body

Eyes scanning skies

High and low

For god's sake

Don't let this go

Holding breath

Standing tall

Made it this far

Avoid a fall

Keep stepping 

Heel to toe

Feel earth underfoot

Shuffle one then two

You know what to do

Clasp that hand

Try not to misunderstand

There are no doubts

No reservations

Being here with you

Feel that flutter

Delicate thing

Don't want to be hurt

Shouldn't have to think

Just be at one

With all that has begun

Feel all that I am

Finally realise

I see my true self 

Reflected in those eyes

Slowly release a once tightly formed grip

Let it flow and just be so

I am me 

That is all that I have ever wanted to be

Lengthening stride 

As I grow from deep inside

I don't know how this began

You were just this man

But I know who I am 

And all that I feel

My one wish

Just keep it real

Two As One...

You are in me  

You are all around me  

Breathe you in 

Filling me 

Completely 

There goes my heart 

You've changed its beat somehow 

Real rhythm  

It is called   

Me and you   

You've taken me 

To a place I belong 

You show me  

My true truth 

Everything   

Meet me here now 

Step back into our world 

Lie with me 

Simply breathe  

Two as one 

No need to think 

We are what we both feel 

Take a chance

Hold me here

Just believe 

What we bring here

Shouldn't want it to end 

All we need

Is right here

Together

You are in me  

You are all around me  

Breathe you in 

Filling me 

Completely 

Falling Through A Simple World ...Part Two

Nothing to call my own. Not right now. Not today. Feel too foreign; disconnected from what it is that I know. 

Where have you gone and where have you been? Suddenly a gaping chasm by my side and there is nothingness falling around me. Sometimes a blurred wetness like rain that pours persistently and then as a slow, meandering drift like snowflakes from a leaden greyish blue sky. What to do and where to go. But most pertinently, what should I feel? Right now. Please someone tell me. Guide me. Lead me. Direct me. Take charge. I don't want to have to try. Try. Not anymore. I am tired. 

I don't want to have to choose. Please. Set me free. For christ's sake. Just let me be.

I am feisty. I fight. I am principled. I have integrity. Yes. It is true. But I am so spent. I have nothing left to give. I don't want to have to try. Not anymore. I don't want to have to give it all away. Please come to me. Be here. Take a breath. Remind me that I like you. Days pass. And emptiness fills me. But it is not real. It is a vacuous fill that I feel. 

All my instincts. They mutter and they moan. They are burning. Burning deep. Should I embrace or should I simply ignore? I cannot wait another day. Please. Offer me something that will keep this pain at bay. It is dark and I am so over it all. I just need to stand in your arms. Feet not tiptoeing but letting you come to me. Just relax. Let you come to me. 

But I am here. You are there. I am. Not complete. Not warmed or touched. I burn when I cry but I cannot keep it here. I need release. Set me free. Say my name. Call me out. Test my thoughts. My mind. My funky, funny, wonderful head. 

The heart that you have caught is weakly beating. Trapped and constrained in the tangled net of my former family. Set me free. I cannot bear this. I never thought that I could be here with someone who holds my heart. Put your arms around me and give me that life saving breath. I am so pressured. So constrained.

Conflicted. 

A word that hangs heavy. You cannot see right through these walls but you, yes YOU, you will feel where I am. Right now. Lost and on the verge of drowning. Help me. Give me that first rescue breath. I hope that see you right through what I am saying and what I don't dare let escape... 

Hold me. Say nothing. Give me your strength. I will do my best to be there for you before you ever fall. But for me, right now, this is the most truly abhorrent place to be. 

Please catch me because I am already falling...

                                                           Through a simple world.

FOURTEEN TEN FIFTEEN

I've got a feeling

I cannot shake it

I cannot comprehend

No sense and no real thing

Just a feeling

But through heartache comes a spray of warmth 

like large fat blobs of water that kiss my skin 

And it makes me smile

From the inside out 

Maybe, just maybe

This will really work itself out

The only exception

That true love truly lasts

To make it alone, I have kept it a comfortable distance 

But the bell rings and the smiles arrive 

Big, bright and exceptional 

like a double rainbow at my front door 

A tight grip on reality but when I look and see 

I want to let it slide

To come on into your life and enjoy this free-falling joy ride

A carefree, chaotic approach to real life

You are my only exception

We may have problems and we may not be able to solve them 

But you have something precious that changes how I feel

I just want to be like you

Lost in the reverie

We all need a little sweetness in our life

And you have yours and now you are willing to share

Embraces and physical touch

Eyes connect

Two bottles of red a welcome sound

Doesn't matter if we drink too much

You are upbeat and bright

Young love

The most beautiful sight

Frequent brushes of skin

Bubbling vibrancy 

Too much to ever sink in

Birthday

It is the first one we have not really had

But when I see this

I am so totally glad

Reveals of rose gold heart

And miniature charms

No one should deny you this

Yes

We all wish you the best

Some may state good luck with 

That challenging year ahead

But when I really sit and stare

I do so without the earlier 

Heavy heart of overdue care

A shift indeed

You and he-or-she, 

Will just be fine

I know this when I see

In those eyes 

The he claims you 

As mine

Starting at six

Birthday breathes 

Big, bold glasses of 

One-Tayl-Or-Two 

Rich, plummy Cab 

Sav

Your very own Aussie namesake

I won't ever make that same mistake

Embrace your heart

And don't be allowed to be forced apart

Bring you both close into my fold

Doesn't matter that I am in no way old

I will be ready 

I am wide awake

I see 

I hear

You both talk

Laugh

Giggle

Play 

Tell the tales of the night 

That led to your 20th birthday

Both dive in

Words collide and morph into one

You have shown that your lives 

Have truly begun

Shared tales

Sentences from each you end 

And when he looks at you

Love and respect simply transcend

All that was laid bare before

So the feeling that nudges

Subtly at my breast bone

Is pushed way down low

Not tonight

Put that fear out of sight

You two don't want to do it alone

I am the token one

Sole grandparent to your unborn child

Here to say how this all once begun

How little BB was actually planned

Something you both want the world 

To try to understand

Love is what brought you here

Fresh faces that disguise any fear

Six turns to twelve

One, two and now opening three

We are deep in a developing camaraderie 

In this place I am happy to be

He shares a part of his deep seated misery

It is real

He speaks so true

There is no way that

He would ever intentionally hurt either of you

He has your heart

Captured close and squeezing tight

Arms strong for you 

He would undoubtedly fight

Conversations effortlessly unreel

Religion, education and some other stuff

That seems just so surreal

Nothing appears out of bounds

You both have ideas and dreams

But what truly resounds

Is the compassion and support 

that comes in reams and reams

You clearly have each other 

and are ready to start

on one shared journey

after two pasts that may have kept you apart

and right now you two

are in the present 

expectant with a little one

with promise of a fulfilled future 

FOURTEEN TEN FIFTEEN

***********************

FOURTEEN FIVE SIXTEEN 

New Beginnings

And nothing more 

Grain of rice

Not seen before

Seed of life

Rush of love 

Centre of hope

A warm spark 

A gift of life

Not just to self

But to mother to be

A lifeline

Reached deep down within 

And pulled her out 

Gasping for breath

She's been underwater for far too long

Muted sound, soul-less song

Scattered thoughts

Blowing aimlessly in the wind

I tried hard to find her hand

Clasp it tight

Lead her with me through the night

Briefly held, I smiled again

She slipped silently 

Down once more into 

The darkest corner of 

Her mind

Lost

Fallen

My child burrowed into

The poisonous chamber of my heart

And I wanted her out

She did not belong there

But now

This gentle glimmer of hope

Holds her transfixed

Caught here

In the now

Head above water

Learning to breathe

A protective fold

Has taken its hold

And I embrace 

This change in face

My child is coming back

She has been gone for too long

Fighting

So strong

The tiniest heart beat

Begins right here

Pulsing with life

Time to smile

Moments to cherish

Pride swells

As she sheds her childish charms

One by one

Hope

I hope that this hope hangs on

Hold tight

Keep that love alight

Baby Bean... 

I hope that I may meet you one day

Just To Be Here...

No need to think
No need to reason 
Yet still I fear
I do

But                                                                       

Something brings me back to you 

Just to be here 

You with me and me with you 

I learned to live

In a world of lies
Yet pretence is my despise
I was lost; could not be found

Simply feared that I had drowned

I took my time to make the break
Waiting to be right for me
And when it came there was no mistake
Just unforeseen misery

And with this pain and wound filled war
I may be more mistrustful than before 

You are patient; you just are
When I can't speak, you don't make me tell
You let me sit, just feel me well
I felt your sense the day we met
An unspoken link I won't forget
Honest compassion remain my core
And I want to move forward more and more 

Yet despite my hanging hesitation
Together we've become a strong combination

Of things and stuff
Of stuff and things
Anticipating what tomorrow brings 
You know me now
You tell somehow
That I only say what I truly know
But sometimes I struggle to let it go

Stop right now 
Wait to see 
Can only wonder what we'll be 

Together or apart

A completed soul or a scooped out heart

But the time feels right to share with you
That I like being here, me and you

I've left the past so far behind
Nothing left here to remind
Me of what I had before
Just a sense of wanting something more 

So say something now

Let me show you how

I yearn to see, to hold, to say
I  don't want to waste yet another day
But then there is a tiny voice
Which comes along without a choice

I know it may be pushing back
From what I feel 
From what I sense
Giving me a breather from this intense...

You with me and me with you 

Glimpsing some imperfections 

Seeing as whole or just as sections 

Keep me close  

Hold me tight

Tell me that it will be all right

You and I may have briefly met
Separate from my conscious mind
Again we may if I could just let

My spirit rise with that rawness in kind

I rise I fall

I feel large I feel small

I feel strong I feel weak

I may be lost I may seek

I rise I fall

I may just give you my all

A brush of hair

A lingering glance

That's what takes you there

No second chance 

You touch me without being near

I feel you when you're not here

I want to live life and not feel fear
To be at one; to be sincere

Place your face so close to mine

Our hips and shoulders all align

Wrap your arms around my skin

And let me breathe and drink you in 

I am here now for the while

Just set me free from that life of trial

I know I am truly strong
Ready to be me; right and wrong
To be those words - live, love, laugh 
To live my life whole; not just a half

You seem to know how to harness my heart

Hold my all and not pieces in part

Believe me
Do
Believe I feel

Believe me
Yes
Believe it's true

And oh my goodness,
It feels so, so real
When I look right into you

Light that slow burning ember

Experience what it is to remember

How to breathe deep
And soundly sleep
Share the dreams
And wistful whims
Laugh a lot
And hug some more
Look inside 
with eyes that adore

Come to me 

Set me free
To be who I want to be

Just to be here

Me with you and you with me

You take me somewhere I've never known
Carried far

Soft cries, gentle moan

Let me stay here for a while
You know I'm back when I do that half-smile

You touch me deep;  get lost inside  

An inner warmth, soft eyes open wide 

Bring me in and keep me here

Show me now not to fear 
Share with me your inner thoughts
And all that life's lessons have already taught
You too with me have shared past pain
And this drives you towards greater gain

Serendipity 

Just to be here 

You with me and me with you

Heading Home....

Not long ago I too was headed home after to what I referred relentlessly as My Trip of a Lifetime. I am not really sure how this name materialised but, nonetheless, that is what it became. My Trip of a Lifetime. A powerful pronoun that proclaimed something important to be mine. And now as I sit here tracking your very own travels, I know that my journey was something of which I felt compelled to take total ownership. It was mine. I may not have steered it, planned it or even imagined it but it was mine. Mine in the very sense that I took control over myself, my thoughts, senses and feelings all whilst bumping up against the unfamiliar backdrop of contrasting cultural contexts in countries that I experienced. 

But then there you were. A flash of silver on the horizon that caught my eye and held my attention. Totally unexpected. And I felt something right then. Something surprisingly significant and so, so...

I did not share. I did not want to speak of you then. It felt sacred. And all the while, the momentum of my impending travels was building. 

But then there you still were. Walking alongside me. Getting closer. And with the increasing proximity, there was a subtle subconscious shift in thought to what surrounded me in the now. Like my impending journey, you were just a chance occurrence. Unforeseen, unplanned and unanticipated.

I had been ready, I thought, to step off the precarious ledge of my little ol' life. But just before I took those final fumbling footsteps towards the edge, you were right next to me. And there was a warmth and a backwards pull. And I hesitated. 

But I needed to go; to explore,  to venture  and to experience. I needed to take time away from my life. I was finally out from under the shrouds of the heavy drapes that had wrapped me for the best part of my adult life; sometimes securely and at other times so subtly that I was not even aware of the gentle pressure or feint constraints. But once I had finally pulled myself out from underneath the dust-filled faded metres of muted material, I knew that I had experienced a sense of smothering so much so that I had struggled to breathe for far too long. 

With a degree of distraction, I headed off for 25 days of adventure, discovery and time alone with myself. As many people have, I was going to be stepping momentarily out of my life. Just literally. Removed from all that was familiar, routine-ruled, expectation bound and family-friend-familiar. My trip was my chance to ponder with a degree of poignancy of all that had gone before. 

BUT the timing was a gaping chasm ripping into something that was so warm, ripe and ready to be lived in the moment.

And as I traipsed through tracks and trails, carving my way through my Trip of a Lifetime, so my thoughts and feelings became more crowded in my mind. Circulating and colliding until one by one, something came tumbling out. And as I began to try to work through some of these life lessons, you were the one with whom I wanted to share this preserved preciousness. No one else.  

Instinctively, it was to you that I turned. And despite the vast geographical distance that fell between us, I brought you in close; showing you parts of my life that had never been exposed. You were right there next to me. Silently supporting me from some distant point in the world. So far away and yet you were right next to me. At times, you were with me and we were learning together. 

And despite my sense  of  self vanishing over a period of time before I even knew you, I have come to realise that I don't have any truly tangible regrets. As I began to emerge from the shadows, I thought that I was lost but now I see that I wasn't ever really gone. Just reduced; my volume turned down. 

Like a sun damaged pencil drawing, I may have been becoming faint and insignificant despite the seemingly robust and pronounced framing which contained me. But I was still visible and perhaps people saw what they wanted to see; what was expected and what had always been. Perhaps I truly was an optical illusion and I tricked people into seeing what I wanted them to see to protect them and myself. Or perhaps it was too hard to make sense of something so small in a world that is so vast and crowded. I really do not know. 

And as I travelled further away, I continued to peel back the protective wrappings of part of my life that I had protected for so long. I was leaving myself exposed.  But it felt right. I felt safe. But I was far away and out of sight. And that maybe why it felt so right. 

But without the geographical, social, cultural and emotional challenge that was intwined in the  trip, I may have never shared so much. The balance had shifted. I held a lens to my former life. Showed you deep inside. Letting you in where no one had ventured before. And then as my trip neared its conclusion, I was not sure. I had bared my soul. And all this across the miles in printed black and white. Unable to modify my response or check the emotional stability through direct and physical contact. It left me naked and unsure. So as I prepared to return,  I was fearful of what had come before. 

And then there you were. Right up against me. Reaching in and pulling the true me out. It was gentle. It was natural and it seemed timeless. 

Connections becoming stronger. Words that spill surprisingly from us remained unspoken. 

There you were. Striding purposefully towards me, captivating me. Your strength and conviction an alluring attraction. .

And as I began to relax and realise that I should not fear what I may feel, I anticipated the delicately fine overlay of threads of the possibilities that may come next.

And I am here now back in the folds of familiar, staring out into life.... wondering what will come next.

And now you are heading home... You may be different. Feel different.
Or it may be a case of picking up that proverbial thread and latching back on to where we left off. 

And I am left wondering what this may look like. What it will feel like and what we may become... together.