Falling Through A Simple World...Part Three

And just like that, you break my fall. 

That relentless rush of cold air stops. 
I close my eyes and feel you. 

Feel present.

 Grounded. 

Arms holding, heart beating strong.
Against me. 

 Physical poetry. 

A complex need that is so simply met. 

I could stand here until the rest of life limps away saddened by our neglect. 

I feel my heartbeat steady a little. 

 I have been gone. 

Back to a place that is not welcome in my life anymore. 

And I didn't want to go there. 

To have to feel that pull; to hold tight to slow my fall. 

 And as I stand here, as a part of you, 

I realise that your presence has sharpened my distaste for bitter, 

Sour stuff that leaves that lingering sense of something that has not quite gone. 

And my deepening determination to keep this away from us 
Has just added a layer of angst somehow.

You don't know it yet, but I know.
 I will struggle to show you where I am. 

I have shared so much. 

I feel safe. 

That is a given. 

You will turn to me and say tell me stuff. 

And when I can't, you will patiently sit. 

Holding me. 

And your physical touch speaks the truth of what you feel. 

 Why I cannot let it all out tonight, tomorrow; I just don't know. 

 It may set us apart if I share or if I don't. 

The see-saw is tipped and I want to leave this playground now

 And retreat to the sheltering shade of our life beneath that tree.

It will be okay. 
Here and now. 

But for the first time in a long time, 

I don't want to think, 

To question, to work it all out. 

I am done with learning through this stuff. 

I just want to get to the end already. 

Postscript 

And I know that life is good.

This is just a thing -

A blip.

And I am where I am.

And this is where I should be.

Falling Through A Simple World ...Part Two

Nothing to call my own. Not right now. Not today. Feel too foreign; disconnected from what it is that I know. 

Where have you gone and where have you been? Suddenly a gaping chasm by my side and there is nothingness falling around me. Sometimes a blurred wetness like rain that pours persistently and then as a slow, meandering drift like snowflakes from a leaden greyish blue sky. What to do and where to go. But most pertinently, what should I feel? Right now. Please someone tell me. Guide me. Lead me. Direct me. Take charge. I don't want to have to try. Try. Not anymore. I am tired. 

I don't want to have to choose. Please. Set me free. For christ's sake. Just let me be.

I am feisty. I fight. I am principled. I have integrity. Yes. It is true. But I am so spent. I have nothing left to give. I don't want to have to try. Not anymore. I don't want to have to give it all away. Please come to me. Be here. Take a breath. Remind me that I like you. Days pass. And emptiness fills me. But it is not real. It is a vacuous fill that I feel. 

All my instincts. They mutter and they moan. They are burning. Burning deep. Should I embrace or should I simply ignore? I cannot wait another day. Please. Offer me something that will keep this pain at bay. It is dark and I am so over it all. I just need to stand in your arms. Feet not tiptoeing but letting you come to me. Just relax. Let you come to me. 

But I am here. You are there. I am. Not complete. Not warmed or touched. I burn when I cry but I cannot keep it here. I need release. Set me free. Say my name. Call me out. Test my thoughts. My mind. My funky, funny, wonderful head. 

The heart that you have caught is weakly beating. Trapped and constrained in the tangled net of my former family. Set me free. I cannot bear this. I never thought that I could be here with someone who holds my heart. Put your arms around me and give me that life saving breath. I am so pressured. So constrained.

Conflicted. 

A word that hangs heavy. You cannot see right through these walls but you, yes YOU, you will feel where I am. Right now. Lost and on the verge of drowning. Help me. Give me that first rescue breath. I hope that see you right through what I am saying and what I don't dare let escape... 

Hold me. Say nothing. Give me your strength. I will do my best to be there for you before you ever fall. But for me, right now, this is the most truly abhorrent place to be. 

Please catch me because I am already falling...

                                                           Through a simple world.