Falling Through A Simple World...Part Three

And just like that, you break my fall. 

That relentless rush of cold air stops. 
I close my eyes and feel you. 

Feel present.

 Grounded. 

Arms holding, heart beating strong.
Against me. 

 Physical poetry. 

A complex need that is so simply met. 

I could stand here until the rest of life limps away saddened by our neglect. 

I feel my heartbeat steady a little. 

 I have been gone. 

Back to a place that is not welcome in my life anymore. 

And I didn't want to go there. 

To have to feel that pull; to hold tight to slow my fall. 

 And as I stand here, as a part of you, 

I realise that your presence has sharpened my distaste for bitter, 

Sour stuff that leaves that lingering sense of something that has not quite gone. 

And my deepening determination to keep this away from us 
Has just added a layer of angst somehow.

You don't know it yet, but I know.
 I will struggle to show you where I am. 

I have shared so much. 

I feel safe. 

That is a given. 

You will turn to me and say tell me stuff. 

And when I can't, you will patiently sit. 

Holding me. 

And your physical touch speaks the truth of what you feel. 

 Why I cannot let it all out tonight, tomorrow; I just don't know. 

 It may set us apart if I share or if I don't. 

The see-saw is tipped and I want to leave this playground now

 And retreat to the sheltering shade of our life beneath that tree.

It will be okay. 
Here and now. 

But for the first time in a long time, 

I don't want to think, 

To question, to work it all out. 

I am done with learning through this stuff. 

I just want to get to the end already. 

Postscript 

And I know that life is good.

This is just a thing -

A blip.

And I am where I am.

And this is where I should be.

Falling Through A Simple World ...Part Two

Nothing to call my own. Not right now. Not today. Feel too foreign; disconnected from what it is that I know. 

Where have you gone and where have you been? Suddenly a gaping chasm by my side and there is nothingness falling around me. Sometimes a blurred wetness like rain that pours persistently and then as a slow, meandering drift like snowflakes from a leaden greyish blue sky. What to do and where to go. But most pertinently, what should I feel? Right now. Please someone tell me. Guide me. Lead me. Direct me. Take charge. I don't want to have to try. Try. Not anymore. I am tired. 

I don't want to have to choose. Please. Set me free. For christ's sake. Just let me be.

I am feisty. I fight. I am principled. I have integrity. Yes. It is true. But I am so spent. I have nothing left to give. I don't want to have to try. Not anymore. I don't want to have to give it all away. Please come to me. Be here. Take a breath. Remind me that I like you. Days pass. And emptiness fills me. But it is not real. It is a vacuous fill that I feel. 

All my instincts. They mutter and they moan. They are burning. Burning deep. Should I embrace or should I simply ignore? I cannot wait another day. Please. Offer me something that will keep this pain at bay. It is dark and I am so over it all. I just need to stand in your arms. Feet not tiptoeing but letting you come to me. Just relax. Let you come to me. 

But I am here. You are there. I am. Not complete. Not warmed or touched. I burn when I cry but I cannot keep it here. I need release. Set me free. Say my name. Call me out. Test my thoughts. My mind. My funky, funny, wonderful head. 

The heart that you have caught is weakly beating. Trapped and constrained in the tangled net of my former family. Set me free. I cannot bear this. I never thought that I could be here with someone who holds my heart. Put your arms around me and give me that life saving breath. I am so pressured. So constrained.

Conflicted. 

A word that hangs heavy. You cannot see right through these walls but you, yes YOU, you will feel where I am. Right now. Lost and on the verge of drowning. Help me. Give me that first rescue breath. I hope that see you right through what I am saying and what I don't dare let escape... 

Hold me. Say nothing. Give me your strength. I will do my best to be there for you before you ever fall. But for me, right now, this is the most truly abhorrent place to be. 

Please catch me because I am already falling...

                                                           Through a simple world.

FOURTEEN TEN FIFTEEN

I've got a feeling

I cannot shake it

I cannot comprehend

No sense and no real thing

Just a feeling

But through heartache comes a spray of warmth 

like large fat blobs of water that kiss my skin 

And it makes me smile

From the inside out 

Maybe, just maybe

This will really work itself out

The only exception

That true love truly lasts

To make it alone, I have kept it a comfortable distance 

But the bell rings and the smiles arrive 

Big, bright and exceptional 

like a double rainbow at my front door 

A tight grip on reality but when I look and see 

I want to let it slide

To come on into your life and enjoy this free-falling joy ride

A carefree, chaotic approach to real life

You are my only exception

We may have problems and we may not be able to solve them 

But you have something precious that changes how I feel

I just want to be like you

Lost in the reverie

We all need a little sweetness in our life

And you have yours and now you are willing to share

Embraces and physical touch

Eyes connect

Two bottles of red a welcome sound

Doesn't matter if we drink too much

You are upbeat and bright

Young love

The most beautiful sight

Frequent brushes of skin

Bubbling vibrancy 

Too much to ever sink in

Birthday

It is the first one we have not really had

But when I see this

I am so totally glad

Reveals of rose gold heart

And miniature charms

No one should deny you this

Yes

We all wish you the best

Some may state good luck with 

That challenging year ahead

But when I really sit and stare

I do so without the earlier 

Heavy heart of overdue care

A shift indeed

You and he-or-she, 

Will just be fine

I know this when I see

In those eyes 

The he claims you 

As mine

Starting at six

Birthday breathes 

Big, bold glasses of 

One-Tayl-Or-Two 

Rich, plummy Cab 

Sav

Your very own Aussie namesake

I won't ever make that same mistake

Embrace your heart

And don't be allowed to be forced apart

Bring you both close into my fold

Doesn't matter that I am in no way old

I will be ready 

I am wide awake

I see 

I hear

You both talk

Laugh

Giggle

Play 

Tell the tales of the night 

That led to your 20th birthday

Both dive in

Words collide and morph into one

You have shown that your lives 

Have truly begun

Shared tales

Sentences from each you end 

And when he looks at you

Love and respect simply transcend

All that was laid bare before

So the feeling that nudges

Subtly at my breast bone

Is pushed way down low

Not tonight

Put that fear out of sight

You two don't want to do it alone

I am the token one

Sole grandparent to your unborn child

Here to say how this all once begun

How little BB was actually planned

Something you both want the world 

To try to understand

Love is what brought you here

Fresh faces that disguise any fear

Six turns to twelve

One, two and now opening three

We are deep in a developing camaraderie 

In this place I am happy to be

He shares a part of his deep seated misery

It is real

He speaks so true

There is no way that

He would ever intentionally hurt either of you

He has your heart

Captured close and squeezing tight

Arms strong for you 

He would undoubtedly fight

Conversations effortlessly unreel

Religion, education and some other stuff

That seems just so surreal

Nothing appears out of bounds

You both have ideas and dreams

But what truly resounds

Is the compassion and support 

that comes in reams and reams

You clearly have each other 

and are ready to start

on one shared journey

after two pasts that may have kept you apart

and right now you two

are in the present 

expectant with a little one

with promise of a fulfilled future 

FOURTEEN TEN FIFTEEN

***********************

FOURTEEN FIVE SIXTEEN 

Falling Through A Simple World... Part One

What to decide when the pain rains relentlessly hard inside. The inevitable lurch of your stomach when you remember. Not through conscious thought but a blurred moment that washes across your mind's eye like silent soap suds in a slow motioned car wash. Then you are here somehow in the present. And it feels pointy and you don't like the way this hurts.

Not jarring and definitely not jolting. Just a heartless hollowness that hangs heavy. And it is not you. Your heart is warm and full. Charged by those around you, electrical impulses dancing in simple synchronisation. It shouldn't feel like this. A missed beat. A significant shift in life's rhythm.

WHY?

One minute so happy.

So high.

Light. Giddy.

Filled with heady helium happiness.

A warmth that radiates from within. So buoyant that each breath I take expands that exhilaration almost to bursting point. A new found freshness that courses through me like a sharp intake of extra strong pepperminty breath.

A week ago I was alive. Free from time. 

Everything I saw, touched, tasted and savoured encased with a sweet golden glow. The trees that breathed and swayed did so in harnessed harmony. The wheat fields bobbed and bowed before me. Gently beckoning: be one of us. I toyed with the idea of diving in between the sheaths of virgin green. To feel the scratchiness against my softened skin before collapsing, spine hard against the flat earth, shining eyes mirroring the vastness of blue overheard.

Inviting. There was no pretence. Just real. I didn't want to hide. I was almost out. I was so utterly present. On top of the world no matter where my feet stood. The smooth stone sculpture a calming coolness against the backdrop of sun drenched warmth. 

A tactile creature? 

Yes. 

But that means I feel.

I hurt.

I feel hurt. 

You sense the whistling glint of his arrowhead as it streaks through the air; anticipating the first hot metallic sting on your skin. And as it makes that first contact you feel the increasing pressure as it slowly punctures your first layer of love. You brace yourself. Pull your skin tight offering up a barrier. But he drives that point in. At first, you feel nothing. Too shocked to retrieve the scrambled message of pain. But it drives deeper. Down to the next layer. A penetrating single entry. Numbness no more. Driven home hard. Again and again. You get it. You feel it. You brace but you know that you will finally buckle. Crumpling under the excruciating pain of this unrelenting assault. 

You fumble for a shield. Protect your child. You come second. When that protection is ripped away, you do the only thing that is left. You reflect. Redirect those blows. Send them ricocheting off you haphazardly. You hesitate. Momentarily you question yourself. Where will this end? What have you done? But within that split second of doubt, there it was. The final blow. An arrow to the heart. 

And as I am hit hard, I feel a sense of swirliness as still-shots of my Odyssey flood my mind. Hills and vineyards. Plum red liquid rolling around voluptuous glasses. Gravel and grass. Liquid orange flames. Time to Wander. Pink. 

Two worlds collide into one. Sublime bliss  dissipating rapidly into this. 

And as I try to stem the flow, these vivid images begin to wash away and my colourful warmth fades to a steely cold. 'Don't contact me for four weeks,' I say. No emotion. There was more but I cannot recall the words or sounds because once turned cold, I harden. 
Feel no more. Defences up to protect my warmly filled heart. 

I take my child by her hand and lead her out into the darkened night. 

And we walk. Alone. Together in silence. 

Falling through a simple world. 



To be continued...

Goodbye - You Just Slipped Away...

So when is it really the final goodbye? 

Perhaps when the simple word is not even uttered out loud. It never slips out of your mouth, it is too painful to breathe it but somehow it bleeds from your weeping heart. 

A pivotal time. When you know. You just know that the last glimpse of your turning back signifies the final goodbye. The end of a relationship that I have carried close for years. 

A pillar of strength that crumbles before you. Sense and sensibility just slipping away. When all the sentences start with, "I am sorry but I won't..."  Now was the time to put yourself way back down that list. To step up and make room for others in that world of yours. I told you how it would be.  I pleaded you to trust me, to remember who I am. I offered you my hand, my heart and my humility and you took them all tonight and crushed them with one fell swoop. Shatterings of my love for you simply left on the table. Discarded crumbs. A meal that left me empty; you will never be able to replenish me again. A hollow love in the pit of my stomach, weighing deep. 

God knows what you were thinking when you looked into my deep, tear filled eyes. Could you not see me? We have shared so much for so long. But tonight, I was a stranger that sat at your table that you dismissed with your hardened hand. A hand that has held mine and touched my life so deeply. Even as I reached out more, you slapped me back. A coldness that shrouded you and fell between us just like the crisp white linen that lay before us. It divided my heart right there in two. 

Briefest of moments when I reached inside and touched you deep. Reminding of you of what has come before. Bringing the pain of experienced loss to the top of your heart. Do you really want to do this again? Sharing what may become. Chances. Chances to stop. To think. To reflect and the biggest chance of all not to speak. Those words that exited your mouth in considered tones; no rage, no heat. Just steadfast and cold. Each syllable travelled through the air, stinging my skin with its chill. And as your intention grew momentum, those words became sentences that slashed right through my heart. You will never take those back. It is too late. The bitterness still remains. 

I will never forget what you have said tonight. How you have behaved. How once again you have been prepared to turn your back on those that matter most. A slight of hand belies the depth of scarring heart. And you turned to me and said, "If you and I are to fall out, so be it." 

And I knew when you could not meet my eye, when you walked away without the slightest glance behind that you have left a trail of tattered childhood love and respect behind. 

I don't want to be here. I won't watch as desperate disappointment deepens in my heart. You have let me down once again. And we will never be the same. 

Goodbye, Dad.  You just slipped away. 

In time, I may find shelter from this raw pain when I remember fondly the times we have shared. But for now, I know that nothing can make it better.  You will feel pain and I will struggle when I think of this. But I cannot be what you want me to be. You are testing my unconditional love. I know that I am being selfish but I don't want to face what you are becoming. I have always felt more. Protected you. But as I said, I have my life ahead of me and that of my own child. And, in time, a life of an unborn grandchild. I will take those protective layers and wrap this family unit up tight. I am needed here. And you chose tonight to walk away.

You have been here before. Walked away from others and I have always been there for you as you work through the turmoil. But when you didn't say goodbye, you chose to walk away once again. But tonight you walked away from me. 

The fading figure of my father disappearing into the darkness. Leaving me there without a word. 

Goodbye - You Just Slipped Away... 

VIRGIN VOYAGE...

So here we are

Sat alongside one another. 13A and 13C. Both busy at our keyboards. Foreign territory to write about you whilst I can physically feel your warmth next to me. Both lost in creative thought; you most likely developing your book further while I still paddle around in the here and now. 

Just faintly aware of the differences in writing style, pace and momentum. You pause frequently to revisit. Touch your chin. Scratch. Okay - cough. And then back to the keys you go. Your every five or so words to my twenty. And as you would say, that is okay. Left hand to your face; much deeper in thought. Signals the need for an edit; rearrangement or rethought all together. You hit those keys with your own rhythm. Three fingers on the right and almost the same on the left. Mine fly across the alphabet. Free flowing and uncurbed. Total abandon. Less thought. No discipline. And with that, you turn to me and simply say, “I think I've just gone into flight mode.”  I smile. You have lasted way longer than I had anticipated. After all, we may have spoken briefly about our respective travelling styles. You have joked about drooling on me from several thousand feet. But it was me that was the first to be photographed, eyes closed. (Yes, MD. Delete that series, okay?)

You instruct me to wake you if there is anything interesting. I smile from the inside out. I have seen you sleep. I have felt you sleep. I have been in your sleep. You will be far away by now in a myriad of moving pictures; those that capture you and those that catapult you from a zillion thoughts to be processed to the next best thing. You have shared your inner workings of a mind that doesn’t sleep. A mind that is more raw, fervent and revealing perhaps than when in wake mode. When you are at the helm, steering this mighty ship of your mind, you work hard to keep those filters and social reflexes in check. But when asleep, there is most definitely a switch that cannot be flicked. A key to a chamber that hosts millions of shards of thoughts, dreams, visions and what may becomes.There have been multicoloured lacings of stuff and things; some of which you have shared with me upon your sudden waking. And there is no doubt. Your mind is extraordinary. 

So now you are sleeping; drifting somewhere far away as we hurtle across the hazy blues and wispy whites. Heading homeward to a place where our single lives will intermingle once again. I change the font back to dark so that I may read what it is that the fingers of my mind feel. A surprising self consciousness washed over me as I was so acutely aware of your presence next to me. The buffer of time and distance that usually falls between us when I write, simply evaporated. Because this is our virgin voyage. No longer a slice of life but a hearty chunk of time that we have spent side by side; together. As you said: 90 or so hours when we have not been more than 20 feet apart. 

Adelaide, Baby…

Seven minutes forty. You stir. I stop. I wait. You reach for your drink. Sip, yawn and recline and then straight back into the stretches of subconscious thoughts that lay out before you. 

Adelaide; it signifies so much. 

Your home. Your family. Your former you. Layers of a life that has held you somehow; both supported and constrained. An intricate weaving of experiences that have shaped you; driving you forward and perhaps even away from things that you no longer desire.

I have come to be with you. Here. Significant perhaps to walk alongside you. A journey to your past with a piece of your present right by your side. And I am in your present and I hope to remain here so that I can form part of your future. And to share our first trip together where you are letting me on the inside of part of you has been quite the thing. Friends, family, pictures, places - stuff and things. All that bear stories of youthful zealousness, love, freedom and a strong desire to belong and to be seen, mixed with smatterings of angst and poignant twists and turns in your life. Chance phrases that fall off your tongue before the filters frame your thoughts; yes, you are so much further along your life journey and you are okay with that. You have said that often. A gentle goodbye to some of the adolescent agitation that came before perhaps. And that’s okay. And as you have shared some of your childhood, I have watched you dance along the surface of your family.  A distance that keeps you feeling safe, perhaps. 

And when you feel safe, this tells me one thing. 

That you care. 

Our first chance to taste a chunk of life together. 

A serious sense of shared time. 

A virgin voyage just six months from when we first met.
It's Quite The Thing

Come walk alongside me some more