My Little Girl

You've felt the pain

My Little Girl

Sadly

You have felt it

Again and Again

For a while

I fought the knife

That sliced right through our life

The first cut smooth and shallow

Causing distraction

And deferred pain

But then back and forth

It ran through your flesh

Again and again

I tightened my grip

Friction fighting 

Futility

I stared hard at the glinting edge

That rhythmically ripped 

Into our known

Repetitive

Unstoppable

Still I was holding on

To that blade that cut 

Us to the core

I tried to stop 

The muted mercilessness 

But there was more

MORE

Despite my hold

The pain and suffering began to unfold

And I pulled against it

Never faltering

I held tight

Loving you when here and 

When out of sight

I carried you with me

But the wound began to weep

And as I refused to release my grip

On life's knife

I watched it puncture your heart

So deep, so swift

You didn't wince

The depth of entry was greater 

Than its width

Still I remain latched on

As a starving babe

Sucking for life

I couldn't let go

At the start

Petals of crimson rose

Fell

Scattering softly to the ground

But as the pain increased

Without sound

The screaming red

Streamed

Pooling around our feet

Banging relentlessly 

Inside my head

That screaming red

Staring 

At the crimson tide

That seeped out 

From deep inside

I fought again

I took you 

To my heart

To a place from where

I couldn't bear us to part

Us

You and me

Together in undefined unity

But as that crimson tide

Rose high

Pulsing

Pouring

Bubbles frothing

Lips 

Lungs

Choking

We were both going to drown

I fought back

Don't hold me down

I took that knife

I sliced

I sliced

Right through my life

As a mother

Of a beautiful child

I looked again

Your eyes turned wild

I sliced that tie

That held me there

I could not bear

To see you stare

Knocking again and again 

At that door of despair 

I cut myself loose

And I said goodbye

to you

My Little Girl

You didn't know I had gone

Could not sense something was so desperately wrong

I wanted to stay there

To hold you

Love you

Breathe for you

But I had to go

To save yourself

Killing me softly

So deep 

Deep inside

No one knew 

How my heart had ripped

Open 

Raw

Gaping wide

I said goodbye to you 

My Little Girl

You had to learn

To fight 

To come right back

To find that

True sense of attack

To breathe for yourself

To adjust

To accept

And with time

To love 

you

I watched in pain

As the ocean of crimson

Flowed over you

Pushing you down

Glimmer of hope

Came as

Glimpses of what I had once known

Surfaced

But then you were forced down again

And again

Weak and sunken eyes

A world drowning 

Under a sea of sighs

I didn't know you

I couldn't reach you

You had begun to float away

What was hiding inside you

That kept you so far removed

From the strength 

That you once had

You left me cold

I took my heart out then 

Left it on the side

A mother's love 

I myself denied

Sacrifice

Comes at a price

Mistakes are there to be had

But quite why

We need to endure

Such loss

I am not sure

Perhaps for you

It was just so that we could

Come together once more

And feel what we know is true

Share our familial bond

A strength 

I think you now know that

You tried to refrain 

From looking closely as the pieces of your old world

Fell weightlessly

Like snowflakes from a darkened sky

Today there you were

By my side

And it felt so 

Right

To be us

As I remember once

The things we touched

Shared

We did it together 

So we didn't have to feel the pain

Today

I held you close

My arms around your heart

My hands caressing your soul

My heart beating strong

I didn't get it wrong

You didn't drown

Nothing could keep you down

You needed to do it for you

And here you are

My Little Girl

Breathing hard

Buoyant 

With love

Brimming with hope

Living and

Creating life 

You will always be My Little Girl

and I will never leave you out in the cold...

WASHING AWAY...

Don't leave me here to drown

Facade like a clown

These things keep me pushing down

I just wanna escape this town

I've given all I can to keep all right

Just know I might be outta fight

Yes 

Those dark clouds keep rolling in

And I don't wanna be trapped within

Reach out now to take my hand

Gently lead me to a new land

Smiles slipping silently away

Replaced with cement sighs of ghostly grey

Not sure I can face yet another day

Of heavy hearts that will be here to stay

Maybe just maybe

Sparks of brighter light 

Will reach down to me

And let me know I'll be all right

Unanchored and alone I'm left

Floating weightlessly, bereft

Of all the colours that made me me

Soft watercolours washing away

Caught

transfixed

right here

now

backgrounds blur

silencing sounds 

pulses slowing

blood thickens

breaths breathe 

a shared breathlessness

time

stands still

nothing in the way

words no need to say

feels familiar 

but

unknown yesterday

ready

let go

just be 

transfixed

 here 

in the moment

lost inside

those

eyes wide 

shut

unopen

is this me

caught

somewhere 

between your world and mine

don't let go too soon

let the warmth seep through...

Seriously?

Such a sodding simple word. 

It conjures arched eyebrow, voiced incredulity and a slightly tacky frothing spittle in that left corner of the mouth. Seriously? It doesn't really matter what precedes the announcement but the questioning of 'Seriously,' is a slice of cliched life in itself. 

Am I right?

Have we not all had moments that require the pregnant pause followed by one of the following? 

1) Deep, I mean ridiculously deep inhale. Ribs creak in protest as you exercise muscles you have only heard about from that annoying gym-junkie friend that flits in and out of your life in a flash of black-n-hot-pink-Lorna-Jane-I've-been-shrink-wrapped-like-a-shortrind-bacon-pack. You really don't know why you have kept this person around. Could be as they are probably the most visual reminder you could have to pre-empt those awful New Year Resolutions that seem to come around - AGAIN.  Yes, yes. Slimming, exercising, pumping and grinding... Mmm. It is soooo totally not you. When you first heard the phrase bench press, you pictured a gleaming silvery machine that flattens that pasta stuff, yeah? When someone uttered 'triceps,' you idly asked 'Try what? Is that a new antiseptic throat lozenge? Good, I must get myself some.' 

Clearing of my throat. 

So, getting back to my point. Pause. Deep inhale. Shoulders back and with the pent up agility of a slowly awakening three-toed sloth, you breathe out. And as the slightly gastri-acid-ee air escapes (yes, I know that I should have followed up with that gastroscopy to tackle my gastric reflux... but, I dunno I quite like the excuse to try to eat more calming foods at around midnight) so comes the word...'Ssssseeerrrriouslyyyyyyy.'

It is a sweetened combination of a slightly giddy light headedness from breathing properly and the sensory satisfaction you get as you allow your tongue to push against the back of your teeth in an extensive 'ess' sound. 

TO BE CONTINUED>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

New Beginnings

And nothing more 

Grain of rice

Not seen before

Seed of life

Rush of love 

Centre of hope

A warm spark 

A gift of life

Not just to self

But to mother to be

A lifeline

Reached deep down within 

And pulled her out 

Gasping for breath

She's been underwater for far too long

Muted sound, soul-less song

Scattered thoughts

Blowing aimlessly in the wind

I tried hard to find her hand

Clasp it tight

Lead her with me through the night

Briefly held, I smiled again

She slipped silently 

Down once more into 

The darkest corner of 

Her mind

Lost

Fallen

My child burrowed into

The poisonous chamber of my heart

And I wanted her out

She did not belong there

But now

This gentle glimmer of hope

Holds her transfixed

Caught here

In the now

Head above water

Learning to breathe

A protective fold

Has taken its hold

And I embrace 

This change in face

My child is coming back

She has been gone for too long

Fighting

So strong

The tiniest heart beat

Begins right here

Pulsing with life

Time to smile

Moments to cherish

Pride swells

As she sheds her childish charms

One by one

Hope

I hope that this hope hangs on

Hold tight

Keep that love alight

Baby Bean... 

I hope that I may meet you one day

Fragility

Can be a beautiful thing. Is it something that comes to you later in life when you have a different understanding of your purpose, your position, your connection and context in the wider setting of the world? I am not certain. I only know now that it is something that leaves me feeling unsure. 

I recognise in others that fragility can be a beautiful thing. 
A breath of vulnerability perhaps. 
Humility. 
Availability. 
These are rich and alluring qualities with which I associate fragility. 
A chance occurrence to see an element of something real and raw in another. 

But when I feel myself drifting, slipping towards something other than strength, I resist this with all that I have. I don't know why, but for a long time I have struggled with the idea of showing weakness. 

Perhaps I am not comfortable with the idea that somehow I may be fragile. 

I think that showing vulnerability is a learned thing. 

And maybe, just  

Hidden Strength

Maybe this is the time to learn...

Not Knowing...

Give me your hand and I will hold it.  

Let's just see what happens next.

We will figure it out.

Trepidation. 

A word that embraces a nervous flutter that is caught somewhere deep inside. 

Not defined. 

Not associated to a one thing. 

Just an unnerving sense that has invaded the warm and happy space which I have occupied of late. And I don't want it to be there. 

Shaping what may be or what may become.

 Although I may have uncertainty, of this I am certain.

I feel that something significant is nudging me slightly off kilter despite my resistance.  

As I get nearer to something that makes me breathe happiness,  brushing the true depth of something special, there is a tell tale tug at the corners of my mind.

Reality, responsibility and rationality.

Is there scope to embrace all in one warm scoop?

To braid the norms with the new and the unknown

and to work together to overcome whatever may not yet be shown.

Trepidation melts, 

morphing into anticipation...

The future is bright

Just To Be Here...

No need to think
No need to reason 
Yet still I fear
I do

But                                                                       

Something brings me back to you 

Just to be here 

You with me and me with you 

I learned to live

In a world of lies
Yet pretence is my despise
I was lost; could not be found

Simply feared that I had drowned

I took my time to make the break
Waiting to be right for me
And when it came there was no mistake
Just unforeseen misery

And with this pain and wound filled war
I may be more mistrustful than before 

You are patient; you just are
When I can't speak, you don't make me tell
You let me sit, just feel me well
I felt your sense the day we met
An unspoken link I won't forget
Honest compassion remain my core
And I want to move forward more and more 

Yet despite my hanging hesitation
Together we've become a strong combination

Of things and stuff
Of stuff and things
Anticipating what tomorrow brings 
You know me now
You tell somehow
That I only say what I truly know
But sometimes I struggle to let it go

Stop right now 
Wait to see 
Can only wonder what we'll be 

Together or apart

A completed soul or a scooped out heart

But the time feels right to share with you
That I like being here, me and you

I've left the past so far behind
Nothing left here to remind
Me of what I had before
Just a sense of wanting something more 

So say something now

Let me show you how

I yearn to see, to hold, to say
I  don't want to waste yet another day
But then there is a tiny voice
Which comes along without a choice

I know it may be pushing back
From what I feel 
From what I sense
Giving me a breather from this intense...

You with me and me with you 

Glimpsing some imperfections 

Seeing as whole or just as sections 

Keep me close  

Hold me tight

Tell me that it will be all right

You and I may have briefly met
Separate from my conscious mind
Again we may if I could just let

My spirit rise with that rawness in kind

I rise I fall

I feel large I feel small

I feel strong I feel weak

I may be lost I may seek

I rise I fall

I may just give you my all

A brush of hair

A lingering glance

That's what takes you there

No second chance 

You touch me without being near

I feel you when you're not here

I want to live life and not feel fear
To be at one; to be sincere

Place your face so close to mine

Our hips and shoulders all align

Wrap your arms around my skin

And let me breathe and drink you in 

I am here now for the while

Just set me free from that life of trial

I know I am truly strong
Ready to be me; right and wrong
To be those words - live, love, laugh 
To live my life whole; not just a half

You seem to know how to harness my heart

Hold my all and not pieces in part

Believe me
Do
Believe I feel

Believe me
Yes
Believe it's true

And oh my goodness,
It feels so, so real
When I look right into you

Light that slow burning ember

Experience what it is to remember

How to breathe deep
And soundly sleep
Share the dreams
And wistful whims
Laugh a lot
And hug some more
Look inside 
with eyes that adore

Come to me 

Set me free
To be who I want to be

Just to be here

Me with you and you with me

You take me somewhere I've never known
Carried far

Soft cries, gentle moan

Let me stay here for a while
You know I'm back when I do that half-smile

You touch me deep;  get lost inside  

An inner warmth, soft eyes open wide 

Bring me in and keep me here

Show me now not to fear 
Share with me your inner thoughts
And all that life's lessons have already taught
You too with me have shared past pain
And this drives you towards greater gain

Serendipity 

Just to be here 

You with me and me with you